Saturday, January 29, 2005

dreams and dropouts

So its been like a month. And uh.....I still have nothing cool to write. Let's see.....I guess I have discovered the most annoying thing in the entire world. And that thing is....are you ready? Not knowing what you want. And by you I mean me. Not knowing what I want. When we are little kids all the adults tell us that we can accomplish whatever we want to, if we want it bad enough and work hard enough. And one of the most amazing things that I've discovered in 22 and 1/2 years in this place (Earth) is that what those adults told us is totally true. Without wanting to sound too trite, I really think that is true. But what if you don't know what you want?
Let me back up for just a minute....when I was in high school, I was, on some level at least, miserable for a good portion of the time. Just for spite, I became one of those people who thought he wasn't conforming (when actually I was conforming to everyone else who thought they also weren't conforming) and as a result I avoided doing a lot of things that I wanted to do. Anyway while I pretended to be independent of everyone else I was actually envious of them, and to some extent, wished I was them. Then comes yearbook day. Ah yes, yearbook day. I feigned indifference despite how nostalgic I actually felt. Or at least how nostalgic I thought I should feel. After we were done I read a few entries. What? Him? He admired me? He looked up to me? I was always thinking how great it would be to be him. He was so smooth, so at ease wherever he was. He dated such beautiful women, and it was obvious he didn't have a care in the world. Yet apparently it sucks to be him. It must, considering he wished he could be more like me. To be fair, it was more flattering than it was depressing, at least at first. As I thought about it later, I wondered if, given that one of my classmate's aspirations was to be more like me, maybe the things I desired were also things which, if achieved, would turn out to be not as great as I thought they would be (and I mean this in addition to the "now what?" feeling that is inevitable with the realization of a goal that has taken so much time and effort.It's not all bad though.....I look forward to the day when I am not so childish and learn how to enjoy the finer things in life. Hopefully by then I will not have lost this conviction that we can accomplish anything. Maybe the condition of knowing what I want and believing I can get is what I want. Did that make sense? I don't care, it was the perfect, sappy, ending to my sappy blog entry this evening. And cut.