Monday, January 26, 2009

idea #4

If I were ever going to poison someone, I would poison their grapefruit. Because who would ever suspect a grapefruit of being poisoned?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Monday, January 05, 2009

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Bible proves Obama will be worse than Bush!

Hey Obama fans, guess who disagrees with you? Oh, just this guy named GOD. In fact, the apostle Paul prophesied that Obama would do far more damage than Bush. Look:

And what shall I more say? for the time would fail me to tell of Gedeon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthae; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets:
Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,
Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.

Hebrews 11:32-34

Sure, Bush invaded Iraq, but as this passage clearly warns us, Obama is going to start a conflict with aliens! Right now they are content to flatten our cornfields, burn a cow every now and then, and abduct us for the occasional probing, but the Obama administration is going to do something to incite their full wrath. Even though the language of this passage suggests that we will win the conflict, does anyone really "win" a war with aliens?

The worst thing about this is that Obama is going to start this space war "through faith", which is obviously a mistranslation of whatever the greek word for "hope" or "change we can believe in" is.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Not just a John Coltrane song

Hey guys! I just got a text message that said "Happy Nude Year". That's pretty funny, unless you're a Puritan.

So here are my resolutions for the year as well as how I plan to implement them:

1. Have greater resolve.

This one is easy; I'll just think of more resolutions! (I heard that we're supposed to set realistic goals.)

2. Be more fair.

I figured that one step toward being more fair is to implement the fairness doctrine into swirly patterns. So in order to do that, I will be a politically conservative blogger for the month of January. An EXTREMELY conservative blogger. I am actually really excited about this.

3. No more Arby's.

Again, realistic goals. There is no way I will eat at Arby's this year on account of them poisoning me last month! (I have powerful enemies, it seems.)

4. Think of more resolutions.

It's obvious that this resolution has already failed just 18 hours into the new year. At least now I am spared from wondering which resolution I will break first.