Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Say, speaking of vampires, I had this great idea. If you're a vampire, you should try to convince another vampire that you're a human. Wear makeup, bright colors, etc. Then let him try to bite you. When he does, you can laugh and say: "Duh, I'm already a vampire!"

Happy October, everyone.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Let an Angel Pass

Many of you know that I like this movie. But the main reason I like it is because of this one scene.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Way to save the planet, Poindexter!

Do you have one of these bags?



They're fantastic aren't they? Not only do they save the planet, but they loudly announce that fact to anyone who sees you carrying one to your car. As soon as I pick mine up, I can literally feel my nose lift higher into the air.

Actually, you and I are both suckers for buying them. Mine cost one dollar, is falling apart after some medium-duty usage, and isn't really that earth friendly. You see, my bag (and every other one that I have seen) has this to say:



I don't know the calculations to use, but it seems like a ship full of these coming from China isn't the best thing for the planet.

Basically, you and I have both bought snooty, expensive versions of an ordinary plastic bag. Most of the ones I see now cost $2, but at least those ones advertise your favorite white upper-middle-class business (I'm looking at you, Whole Foods and Borders).

But never fear! We at Swirly Patterns won't criticize your efforts without offering helpful alternative suggestions*. For example, there's always the good old zippered tote bag:



Remember tote bags? How did these silly Green bags ever replace them? My mom has totes kicking around her house from my dad's medical convention days. If you're not so lucky, they are always for sale at Deseret Industries (that's a thrift store, for you non-Utahn readers) in the purses section. My favorite kind are the zippered nylon ones with ambiguous company logos.

Here's why they're better:

- They only ever cost $1. A tax-free dollar, I hasten to add. Sometimes they are only 75 or 50 cents.
- DI is a much better cause than Barnes and Noble. Duh.
- Made in USA, China, or wherever, you are reusing something that someone else is getting rid of. It doesn't matter where it was made.
-They last longer. My "green" bag only lasted two months. My tote bags have all lasted several years.
- They have zippers!
- You might find some other treasures when you go into DI to buy one. My most recent find was a full cow hide for $15.
- While you're bored and waiting in line at the grocery store, you can wonder what sort of company would be called "GeniFlexus" or something like that. In my case, I get to wonder what sort of medical condition necessitates a drug called "Esperimazole".

So, um, I'll see you at the thrift store. But keep your hands off of that $35 Fender Rhodes. I saw it first, ya jerk!

*Swirly Patters reserves the right to criticize your efforts without offering helpful alternative suggestions.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Potluck Meals and Cajun Reels

Two years ago I attended my first of several meetings with the Salt Lake Area Accordion Club. It cost $7 to go and included a potluck meal and an accordion concert. If you went early you could play your accordion with any of the other attendees who brought their accordions.

I was the youngest person there by at least 15 years (unless you count people dragged there by parents).

It had the feeling of a church activity. In 1950.

It was fun and I realized that since I stopped being a missionary, I hadn't really interacted with old people in a long time.

Here's a list of highlights from those meetings:
1. I once went with my friend Daniela who is black, but not very dark. An old man asked her with genuine interest and curiosity what race she is.

2. Ralph, a German who runs an accordion shop out of his house in Sandy, appraised my accordion at $300 and told me about how to take care of it. "Accordions last longer if they are played regularly, so PRACTICE". He punched me quite hard in the shoulder as he said the first syllable of the last word.

3. I watched several people play electronic accordions which are, in my opinion, a terrible invention.

4. Lil' smokies.

Anyway, I was sad to learn earlier this summer that the group is now defunct. They sent me a link to the last monthly newsletter which features a sort of goodbye, thanks, and you damn well better be grateful from Jay and Janet Todd, the two program directors who are married to each other.

Anyway, this probably means its time for me to start taking lessons. Janet teaches lessons but they're expensive. Maybe I'll send her an email.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Why haven't I heard this word used more?

for⋅mi⋅ca⋅tion
  /ˌfɔrmɪˈkeɪʃən/ [fawr-mi-key-shuhn]
–noun
a tactile hallucination involving the belief that something is crawling on the body or under the skin.

from Wiktionary