Monday, April 26, 2010

New Recreation for the Time-Savvy

In these troubled economic times, we are working longer hours for less money. Who has time to go boating anymore? Well, thanks to Stonehaven Dental, who needs time for boating? Suckers, that's who.

Maybe you've seen their billboards on I-15 in Utah County, probably the only place for 100 miles where there are other equally strange billboards on either side. I don't typically pull over on freeways to take photos, so I'll describe them.

Billboard #1 depicts a gaping toothy mouth, into which a dentist's mirror is beginning to enter. Instead of the typical reflection of molar #2's backside, we see palm trees on a white sand beach with a cloudless sky over emerald-clear water. The headline reads: "Sedation...It's a Dream!"

Billboard #2, while not explicitly promoting nitrous oxide as a recreational drug, has subtler connotations. A Utah license plate reads "SED8ME". Maybe I'm alone here, but the first drug that makes me think of is Flunitrazepam. (That's a "roofie" for those of you without Wikipedia.)

Their website might further appeal to your hedonistic tendencies. Just look at this list of perks which, grammatical errors aside, sounds more like my sixth birthday party than an unpleasant medical exam:

The dental office can be scary, but at Stonehaven we know you will have a great visit, just look at all the cool stuff you get:
  • Fresh baked cookies
  • Personal Advocate
  • Guided Tour
  • Free Exam and X-rays
  • Laughing Gas
  • Free Gift
  • Toothbrush bag (with cleaning)
  • 0% interest"
Now I really wish I had dental insurance!


Kari said...

if you don't want to spend all that time and money in dental school for laughing gas, sounds like you'd get enough just fine in their marketing department.

T.R. said...

rereading this post, I have to wonder what they mean by each customer getting a "personal advocate". Does this advocate follow me around in my life, helping me return defective digital cameras and talking my way out of traffic tickets, or does the advocate just argue with the dentist for me?

"He's been doing his best! Who flosses twice a day with today's busy lifestyle anyway?"