Swirly Patterns

Once in six lifetimes every day.

2011-10-04T21:23:00.008-06:00

I remember when I was in elementary school, and I heard on the radio that the solar eclipse that was about to happen was the last one that would be visible in the Northern Hemisphere for some impossible number of years. This was very depressing to me since our family hadn't had a chance to go to the planetarium to buy some of those glasses that you use to watch an eclipse. I was forced to do that thing where you punch a hole in a sheet of paper and let the hole act as a sort of lens to project an image of the sun onto another surface. This was not very satisfying, but the alternative was to watch it with my naked eyes and burn blind spots into my retina.

We also had a book about Halley's Comet, and I think it was called Halley's Comet And You. (A quick internet search reveals that the book has probably been out of print for twenty years. I can't find mention of it ever existing.) It told me that Halley's Comet will not be visible again until I am in my seventies. I hope I don't fall asleep early that night, because I will be about 150 years old by the time I have another chance to see it. (It also told me the circumference of the comet's orbit, as measured in hot dogs placed end-to-end.)

Halley's Comet and You included a picture of this tapestry, which depicts an appearance of Halley's Comet.
"Wow! Someone better go tell Harold about this."

Luckily, comets seem to be more abundant than I was led to believe by Halley's Comet and You. Two visible comets (Hyukatake and Hale-Bopp) appeared in 1996. Suddenly the universe was lousy with them! I got up in the middle of the night a few time to look at Hyukatake. Hale-Bopp was cool too, but not as impressive. It should have waited another century or so.

Then there was that comet that ran into Jupiter with the force of some huge number of atomic bombs. I'm not sure what that means for a gas giant -- shouldn't it just sort of pass through?
(Edit: Ari tells me that all gas giants have a rocky core. They think so anyway.)

Now I just found out today that there will be a transit of Venus (a very very partial eclipse of the sun by the planet Venus) next year, and the next one won't occur for 104 more years. There is no way I will remember to look for it by then!

Here is what I'm getting at: These things are all incredibly rare events. At the same time, it seems that for astronomers, incredibly rare events happen all the time. I wonder how many once-in-lifetime spectacles I have missed in my life already. Not to worry; there will probably be another soon.

Prometheus

2011-09-30T07:50:00.005-06:00

16 or so "bandit signs", and one dead tree in Utah's West Desert near Callao.
We hung them with string.
If I could change one thing about this, it would be to have the backdrop be more desolate -- the West Desert in July is far too verdant for the message this tree displays.

Forgive me as I wax pretentious...

The name Prometheus (after the Greek Titan and meaning "forethought" or "foresight") refers to the tree's elevated position on a hill at the foot of the Deep Creek mountains, giving it perspective over the world, but which also exposes it to the elements the way the original Prometheus was chained to a stone and exposed to ravenous vultures. The tree is dead, but is still standing and decaying slowly making it timeless much like the Titan's own immortality. This tree also is experiencing the parasitic growth of consumerism and greed, as seen by the appearance of polyp-like bandit signs offering consumers opportunities for cheap television or to get rich quick, and as such has foresight into what will eventually befall this as-yet unspoiled desert valley.

The name Prometheus originally occurred to me because it is also the name of a bristlecone pine which was cut down in 1964 for research purposes and then discovered to have been the world's oldest living organism.

Substitue Memories

2011-01-23T09:12:00.002-07:00

I used to work as a substitute teacher sometimes. My favorite thing that would happen is when the teacher would leave a Bill Nye video for us to watch. My other favorite thing was when some gloomy-looking teen would wander into the room and say: "Awww, Shit. We got a sub." Then later say "Ugh. Are you a cool sub?"

I enjoyed few things more than slowly shaking my head in response. In case you don't speak Adolescent Pidgin, the question really means: Can I do whatever the hell I want?

Another nice surprise was when K-12 kids would think I was the coolest person ever. Some would even write me letters or draw me pictures.

Dear A____,

Thank you for your nice letter. I'm glad you liked my jokes. My favorite food is curry. My favorite cake is chocolate with chocolate. My favorite candy is dark chocolate with hot pepper. My favorite pet is also a dog.

I hope you have a good day,
Mr. Brooks

Intelligent Foods

2010-11-16T15:41:00.004-07:00

Suddenly we have way too many intelligent foods. Surely someone did a market research study and revealed, again, that people are gullible. Specifically, that people like it when their foods have the word “Smart” in the name. (I am totally making this up, by the way.)

Over the last few months I’ve been compiling an informal list of these irritating products.

1. SmartWater
I thought I would start with the absolute worst one and get it out of the way. There are so many reasons to hate bottled water (http://storyofstuff.org/bottledwater/) as it is, and the Coca-cola company has given us yet another. Is there anything that you can do that is more smug than pulling a bottled water out of your backpack? Yes, there is. Pulling out a bottle of SmartWater. I’ll go ahead and state the obvious: if you pay a couple of bucks every day for something that comes out of a tap in your house, almost for free, and flows from fountains in every public building, how smart are you, really?

Alternative names for SmartWater:
1. SmugWater (probably the most appropriate)
2. SuckWater (harsh, but fun)
3. DumbWater (yeah, I went there)
4. ToiletWater (not really)
5. AssWater (sorry)

2. Smart Links

Veggie Links, maybe. But if you want to get nit-picky, real sausage comes from a vertebrate with a central nervous system while this stuff comes from comparatively stupid soybean plants.

3. Smart Balance

This is a brand of various fatty condiments (margarine, peanut butter, etc.), the idea being that you can make them out of healthy fats instead of unhealthy fats. While this is probably not a bad idea, you’re still eatin’ grease. Full disclosure: I have Smart Balance mayonnaise in my fridge right now.

4. Smart Chicken

No, it’s not.

5. Smartfood

Smartfood I can almost forgive because they were doing this before it was cool. That is, before it was common. I remember Smartfood from the 80’s so maybe they shouldn’t be lumped together with these bandwagoneers. Still, though. Eating a bag of white cheddar flavored popcorn is rarely a "smart" idea. Perhaps only in times of winter or famine.

Douglas Adams had some thoughts on this as well:

Because We've All Had Nightmares About Sabre-fights With Skeletons

2010-10-27T11:58:00.002-06:00

For Halloween last year I posted that great skeleton fight scene from Jason and the Argonauts, which I hope you watched. I just found this on youtube. A video that shows every movie creature Ray Harryhausen ever made, in about four and half minutes, to the music of Tito Puente!

Harryhausen on CGI: "I've always believed that stopmotion adds something to the nightmare quality... If you make it too real, like CGI, it loses that fantasy quality."

Honors & Horrors

2010-09-03T08:20:00.001-06:00

I don't know where they get their email lists from, but the U of U sent me this flier today.

I can't tell if this is to help me get oriented or to help me get murdered.

Harry Potter's Butterbeer Recipe (Old Fashioned Carbonation Method)

2010-08-29T11:55:00.003-06:00

There are lots of butterbeer recipes on the internet, but this one is better than all of them, I promise! Here's why: While all of them taste like butterscotch, this is the only one that has a yeasty brewed flavor as well. I haven't tried adding hops yet (which would make it taste even more like beer), but that is probably worth trying. I've included it in the recipe as an optional ingredient. This recipe should make a soda that has a great rich yellow color and foams like beer. Optional ingredients are in parentheses.

Harry Potter's Butter Beer

4 qts. water
3/4 C sugar
1 C brown sugar
1 T vanilla, butter, and nut flavoring OR butterscotch flavoring
(dash nutmeg)
(1/2 oz. fresh grated ginger OR dash ginger powder)
(1 t. molasses)
(1/4 C apple cider vinegar)
(1/4 oz. mild hops pellets)
(1 t root beer extract)
1/8 t ale yeast or bread yeast

1. Heat 2 of the 4 quarts of water while adding the sugars, flavoring extracts, and optional ingredients (but not the yeast). Dissolve the sugars and let the other ingredients simmer for about 20 minutes.

2. Cover and let the mixture cool until you can comfortably hold your clean finger in it for more than a few seconds. Strain the grater ginger, hops, fresh grated nutmeg, etc. out of the liquid. If you didn't use any fresh herbs, you don't need to strain it.

3. Add the remaining water. By now the mixture should be at about room temperature. If it is warmer than 90° F, wait until it cools before adding the yeast.

4. Dissolve the yeast in a little water or some of the butterbeer mixture (about 1/4 cup) for a couple minutes. Pour the liquid into the rest of the mixture and stir or agitate.

5. Bottle the liquid in any sanitized plastic soda bottle with a resealable cap. You can use a two-liter bottle, or a single serving bottle as long as it previously contained soda and you can seal the cap tightly. Even better, use a sanitized bail-top beer bottle (such as Grolsch or Lorina) or any sanitized beer bottle if you have a capper. Leave 1 or two inches of air space at the top so that the yeast has some oxygen to consume while it carbonates your butterbeer. You neen enough bottles to equal about one gallon or 4 liters.

6. After capping the bottles, store them in a warmish place for 2-4 days, then refrigerate.

Tips:

1. While the ingredients in parentheses are optional, you should try to use at least two or three of them. Otherwise your butterbeer will taste kind of boring and unsubstantial.

2. Plastic bottles are nice because they're easy to get and you don't need any expensive equipment. You can also squeeze plastic bottles to see if they are carbonating (if they become hard, then they are carbonating). Glass bottles are nice because they are classier and seem more "wizardy". They are also less likely to burst. If you have both, it is probably worth doing one plastic bottle as a "tester" bottle and the rest glass.

3. Speaking of bursting, don't leave your sodas out of the fridge for very long after they're carbonating, otherwise they can overcarbonate and/or explode. Storing them in the fridge slows the yeast growth almost to a standstill, but not completely. You should drink your butterbeer within one month in order to keep them from bursting in your fridge.

4. Open the butterbeer SLOWLY or over the sink, since it can be very foamy depending on which ingredients you used.

5. I haven't tried butterbeer as a "float", but I bet its very good.

6. If you can't find butterscotch flavoring or vanilla, butter, and nut flavoring, you can try using Hershey's butterscotch syrup (but omit some of the white sugar from the recipe) or you can try 1 t vanilla, 1 t butter flavoring, and 1 t almond flavoring.

7. If anyone uses hops, post a comment here and tell me how it turned out!

8. Some people prefer a sweeter soda than others. For me it depends on how much I'm drinking. If you're using 8 oz. or smaller bottles, make it sweeter. If you're using 12 oz. or larger, make it less sweet. If you make a large bottle of soda too sweet, most people will get sick of it by the end! That's why Pepsi beats Coke in a one-sip taste test, but people prefer to buy entire cans of Coke. The recipe is a good in-between amount of sweetness that will work for smaller or larger bottles.

9. While natural carbonation does produce some alcohol, the alcohol content for this soda should be less than 0.5%. I would compare it to O'Douls or Fentiman's botanical sodas, both of which can be purchased by minors. If it helps, I'm Mormon and I drink homebrew soda all the time and even bring it to church activities. Nobody seems to mind.

Two races

2010-07-30T09:41:00.001-06:00

In 2005 (I believe) eped and I swore off paying other people for the privilege of running. Aid stations are nice, but its easy enough to hide some bottles of water yourself if its going to save you anywhere from $20 to $70. I've only broken that vow twice since then, once for the Blue Mountain Triathlon last year and once for the Splash and Dash Biathlon.

We've organized our own free races since then, including the Wasatch Plateau Marathon, the 4.01k, and the Masquerade Parade 5k. So its with some minor discomfort that I'll be paying for two events this fall.

The Dirty Dash 10k, from the looks of it, will be a messy steeplechase-type deal. I'm looking forward to it mostly for the "Surprise obstacle" in mile 5.
Sept. 25th. at Soldier Hollow. $35

The second one I'm doing it partly because my friend is the race director, and mostly because it is just a great idea: At The Night of the Running Dead 5k you show up and run from zombies, or register as a zombie, wait an extra minute at the starting line, and chase the normals. I don't know which one I'll be yet.
Oct. 9th at Pioneer Park. $15

Trilogy?

2010-07-27T23:47:00.003-06:00

I just saw Inception, which of course, is part II in Christopher Nolan's Cillian Murphy Wears a Bag Over His Head saga.

Edit: I forgot that Scarecrow also appears in The Dark Knight. I guess its a trilogy after all!

That Swirly Pattern

2010-07-23T09:05:00.001-06:00

Every time I check google analytics, I see that about half of my blog traffic comes from people looking for actual swirly patterns. It makes me feel bad, kind of like a spammer, and its also thrilling, kind of like rick-rolling someone.

Last month two different people wandered in here with the question "What do you call that one swirly pattern with all of the swirly things?" or something like that, and all my blog did was delay their answer. Well never again! For all of you, it's called the Paisley pattern if this is what you're talking about.

It's the pattern of bandannas, cowboy shirts, and old suitcases and its named after Paisley, Scotland even though it is Indian in origin. If you want more info than that, I'll let you continue your google-based research.

While were at it, my current background pattern is known as a Florentine.

PS, eped was right. I liked the paisley pattern way before it was cool.

43 things. (Buckets, etc. part 2)

2010-07-21T11:27:00.000-06:00

43 things is far less self-indulgent than Esquire's 75 things.

~~1. Jump out of an airplane.~~
~~2. Live in Alaska.~~
~~3.See a wolf in the wild.~~
4. See a wolverine in the wild.
5. Have a Bigfoot, ghost, alien, chupacabras, skinwalker, or other mythical being encounter.
6. Get knocked out cold.
7. Publish a book.
8. Visit Asia.
9. Visit the Southern Hemisphere.
10. Be interviewed on TV or Radio as some sort of expert or witness.
~~11. Live abroad.~~
12. Have kids.
13. Get a graduate degree.
14. Bungee jump.
15. Do one or more years of humanitarian service abroad.
16. Raise llamas.
17. Keep Bees.
18. Find a meteorite.
19. Find a dinosaur fossil.
~~20. Skinny dip in the ocean.~~
21. Fast for 72 hours (drink only water).
22. Complete a summer triathlon.
23. Read a thick piece of Russian literature.
24. Read an entire non-children's book in Spanish.
25. Do a perfect flip and dive off a diving board.
26. Break 200 in bowling.
~~27. Run a marathon.~~
~~28. Win first place in a 5k for my age group.~~
~~29. Read an entire novel in a day.~~
~~30. Solo bear encounter.~~
~~31.~~ ~~Spend an entire day naked.~~
~~32. Save a drowning person.~~
~~33. Be on the news.~~
34. Win an eating contest.
35. Sell a piece of art or handicraft to a stranger.
~~36. Give something anonymously.~~
~~37. Be an extra in a movie shown in theaters.~~
38. Give a piece of life-changing advice.
~~39. Barefoot competitive 5k.~~
~~40. Write a letter to the editor that is published.~~
41. Go 24 hours without speaking.
42. Go to Burning Man.
43. Discover a new species.

Buckets, Lists, and Quarter-life Crises, Part 1.

2010-07-20T13:54:00.004-06:00

For people not creative enough to come up with their own bucket list, Esquire has made one for you. 75 seems a bit ambitious though. I mean, I have to do like one or two every year to complete that kind of list.
Red = I've done it.
Green = I plan to do it or am in the process of doing it.
Black or white = Haven't done it, don't plan on it, or its too vague for me to know whether I've done it or not. Sorry that it switches back and forth; I ran into some trouble that had to do with my blog template. Black and white are the same.

1. Play Rugby
2. Repair an appliance
3. Fly the red-eye from Vegas.
4. Fly a Cessna
5. Make your own list of 75 things to do before you die. Its hard.
6. Fast for three days. Just drink water.
7. Drive the Great Ocean Road in Australia. Or the Pacific Coast Highway.
8. Make a perfect Omelet.
9. Drive by yourself from coast to coast.
10. Recognize the accomplishments of others.
11. Do a flip off a diving board. Nail it.
12. Leave a letter for yourself in a library book. Look for it 20 years later.
13. Watch a bad movie so many times that you can quote it word for word.
14. Toboggan, aggressively.
15. Scuba Dive.
16. Drink Mescal in Mexico.
17. Cultivate a reputation.
18. Learn four chords on a guitar and play a song.
19. Live in a hotel suite for a week.
20. Milk a cow. Drink it.
21. Build a fence.
22. Carry a totem in your pocket.
23. Help someone dig out.
24. Pick an animal. Something cool like a wolverine. Go see it in the wild.
25. Shoplift.
26. Throw a real party.
27. Live outside the homeland.
28. Start something that scares you.
29. Choose a word or phrase and actively never use it again.
30. Eat mussels in Bruges.
31. Break a sheet of plate glass with a ball-peen hammer.
32. Cook the same thing over and over until you are known for it.
33. Overspend.
34. Have a threesome.
35. Quit something you love.
36. Take care of someone else's three-year-old for the day.
37. Get very good at a sport that isn't a sport.
38. Listen to war stories.
39. Tell war stories.
40. Write someone else's life story without mentioning yourself.
41. Sing in public.
42. Sell everything you don't need. Once.
43. Play golf at Carnoustie.
44. Play chess until you beat someone you shouldn't, then quit forever.
45. Give up your seat.
46. Kill, dress, cook, and eat wild game.
47. Attend the funeral of someone you didn't know that well.
48. Take a vow. Keep it.
49. Eat a six-course meal that you prepared.
50. Live at a high altitude.
51. Spend some time working for tips.
52. Overeat for a week.
53. Make a movie, even a short one.
54. Give a panhandler all your money.
55. Make beer, wine, or moonshine.
56. Read Lolita.
57. Have sex in a body of water.
58. Ride a horse.
59. Eat Congee. Eat Haggis. Eat Tongue. Eat Kidneys. Eat Brain. Eat Testicles.
60. Walk Twenty Miles. Bring Water.
61-63. Go to the desert. Take long-lasting drugs. Drink water.
64. Watch television for 24 hours uninterrupted.
65. Save something from the dump.
66. Climb something that you're afraid of.
67. Get a manicure.
68. Eat a two-course meal that you grew.
69. Get a deep-tissue massage.
70. Sleep outside for a week.
71. Put a hundred bucks on a long shot. To win.
72. Go to Paris. Tell no one where you are. Stay for two weeks.
73. Raise a dog.
74. Peg the speedometer.
75. Bungee jump.

Disclaimers: I flew a Navajo, not a Cessna. I milked and drank the milk of a goat, not a cow. I played golf in Paisley, not Carnoustie.

I've done 36 out of 75, or 48%. How did you do?

Best Crepe Recipe Ever

2010-07-12T14:07:00.000-06:00

First of all, its fun to call them "Creeps" or to fake a french accent and pronounce it "Kweps". Having said that, here's how to make them:

1 Cup Flour
4 Eggs
1 and 1/2 Cups Milk
3 Tbsp. Melted Butter
3 Tbsp. Honey
1 tsp. Vanilla
Pinch Salt

1. Beat the eggs, then mix in the flour.
2. Blend in everything else.
3. Spread the batter very thinly onto a non-stick cooking surface of about 350°. When the crepe has solidified, flip it over and brown the other side. Makes about 10 eight-inch crepes.

Some things to remember:

Crepes are way better than pancakes. In every way. They are easier to make, they taste better, they're fancier, and they don't soak up syrup like a sponge.

Unlike pancakes, the batter makes even better crepes if you let it sit in the fridge for 24 hours. I have no idea why this is.

This recipe is a SECRET recipe, according to the guy who gave it to me. That's why I'm publishing it on my unpopular personal blog rather than on my internationally acclaimed award-winning professional blog which I write under a pseudonym.

These crepes are also good with savory foods. Make an extra large one into a sandwich wrap, using the crepe like you would a tortilla.

This is the best pop-culture crepe reference in recent years.

Biophobia II

2010-07-03T16:03:00.001-06:00

The earth is our enemy, I was taught. Does it not bring forth noxious weeds to afflict and torment man?

-Hugh Nibley

I really hate this animal. The first time I saw it was in an otherwise spotless public restroom at the U of U. It sped into my stall as I sat helpless, my legs immobilized by the jeans crumpled around my ankles. Thinking quickly, I tapped one foot which scared it into changing its course. It headed toward a drain in the floor and disappeared.

That was at least three years ago. Then just last January I turned on the sink to wash some dishes and another one (or the same one?) raced out of my garbage disposal toward the plate I was holding. I turned on the faucet, then the garbage disposal.

A quick google search of things like "legs drain insect fast" and "scary sink bug" revealed that I was being terrorized by a scutigera coleoptrata, also known by its overly-endearing common name, the house centipede. One message board described it as a the Satan spawn of a spider and a centipede.

Not to be presumptuous or anything, but I really think that the creation of such an animal was a bit over-the-top.

Biophobia: More compelling than I once thought.

2010-06-28T08:31:00.006-06:00

"Nature and I are two," filmaker Woody Allen once said, and apparently the two have not gotten together yet. Allen is known to take extraordinary measures to limit bodily and mental contact with rural flora and fauna. He does not go in natural lakes, for example, because "there are living things in there."

-David W. Orr, Earth in Mind

Last month I and another guide led a group of five teen girls to Welcome Springs in the Southwest corner of Utah, Near Ivins, Arizona, and Nevada. One night I found nine scorpions and the next day one girl almost stepped on a 4-foot rattlesnake.

The weirdest thing we found was definitely the horsehair worm. I was filling up my water bottle from a natural spring and one of the grass stems just didn't look right. I don't think there is any species with a better common name than the horsehair worm. Hearing the name is almost the equivalent of seeing it, although this one could have been called a spaghetti noodle worm. It was tan-colored and about 18 inches long.

Another of our girls (who described it as "beautiful") tried to cut it in half with the sharp edge of a rock, but couldn't even damage it.

I could kick myself for forgetting my pocket camcorder. So in case you're into nightmares, vomiting, etc. Here is a video of cricket, which is normally averse to water, following its own horsehair worm's advice to drown itself.

Its a shame (especially for Woody) that this is happening in someone's swimming pool; I guess after 100 million years of existence, they've gotten pretty good at wriggling into crickets, swimming pools, carpeted living rooms, or anywhere else they feel like going.

April is the Coolest Month

2010-06-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

This year you might have noticed Swirly Patterns' glaring omission of a post about how terrible Spring is. Sorry if you've come to rely on it, but things have been going quite well for me lately.

2010-05-10T08:14:00.000-06:00

From Wikipedia:
Scorpions are also known to glow when exposed to certain wavelengths of ultraviolet light such as that produced by a blacklight, due to the presence of fluorescent chemicals in the cuticle. One fluorescent component is now known to be beta-Carboline.^[18] A hand-held UV lamp has long been a standard tool for nocturnal field surveys of these animals. Fluorescence occurs as a result of sclerotization and increases in intensity with each successive instar.

So naturally I had no choice but to purchase an ultraviolet flashlight from Amazon for my trip to Leprechaun Canyon. We found four scorpions around our camp the first night and five the second. This one was the largest we found, but was only about half the length of my thumb including the tail.

Here's how to sound like an expert next time you're talking about scorpions:

1. Don't call them "claws", but rather pedipalps.

2. Refer to the telson, not the "stingy-thingy".

3. Dogs shed but scorpions molt. (Their old exoskeletons also fluoresce under UV light).

4. When mentioning that scorpions have been around for more than 400 million years, say it very casually as though that is no big deal.

New Recreation for the Time-Savvy

2010-04-26T17:57:00.008-06:00

In these troubled economic times, we are working longer hours for less money. Who has time to go boating anymore? Well, thanks to Stonehaven Dental, who needs time for boating? Suckers, that's who.

Maybe you've seen their billboards on I-15 in Utah County, probably the only place for 100 miles where there are other equally strange billboards on either side. I don't typically pull over on freeways to take photos, so I'll describe them.

Billboard #1 depicts a gaping toothy mouth, into which a dentist's mirror is beginning to enter. Instead of the typical reflection of molar #2's backside, we see palm trees on a white sand beach with a cloudless sky over emerald-clear water. The headline reads: "Sedation...It's a Dream!"

Billboard #2, while not explicitly promoting nitrous oxide as a recreational drug, has subtler connotations. A Utah license plate reads "SED8ME". Maybe I'm alone here, but the first drug that makes me think of is Flunitrazepam. (That's a "roofie" for those of you without Wikipedia.)

Their website might further appeal to your hedonistic tendencies. Just look at this list of perks which, grammatical errors aside, sounds more like my sixth birthday party than an unpleasant medical exam:

The dental office can be scary, but at Stonehaven we know you will have a great visit, just look at all the cool stuff you get:

Fresh baked cookies
Personal Advocate
Guided Tour
Free Exam and X-rays
Laughing Gas
Free Gift
Toothbrush bag (with cleaning)
0% interest"

Now I really wish I had dental insurance!

Qualifications

2010-04-21T09:29:00.002-06:00

I saw a billboard for a business in Provo called "The Jerk Shack". I bet if I went there, they would offer me a job on the spot.

No frills

2010-03-22T08:42:00.002-06:00

While looking into soap making, I found this website which has the simplest instructions for soap making I have ever seen, including this advice: "I know the trend right now is to add wonderful smelling scents and beautiful tints to homemade soaps. I have given up doing this because both the scents and the colors fade after a very short time, and to me it isn't worth the extra expense and effort."

It also has instructions for toothpaste, laundry detergent, and then a list of apocryphal-sounding cures for warts, arthritis, etc.

They will let any idiot in a costume be on TV these days.

2010-03-13T15:12:00.003-07:00

Park City TV, none the less. Their editing made me look even more inept, if that's possible.

Watch for me at the 2 minute mark. Then I'm in the background at about 2:17.

Soda, Sap, Snails, Soap

2010-03-05T12:24:00.004-07:00

Some more for what might become an "obscure DIY project" label for this blog.

1. As we saw on the post before, soda making.

2. Today I tapped the silverleaf maple in my mom's backyard. It turns out you can tap any kind of maple, not just sugar maple. But silverleaf tend to require a 60:1 sap-to-syrup ratio as opposed to the sugar maple's slightly less towering 40:1 ratio. Good thing this sap is being used for soda and not for syrup. If you want in on this, now is the time. Tapping season in Northern Utah only lasts until mid-April or so. Sorry there's no photos; I didn't have my camera. I used PVC pipe and a milk jug.

3. Heliciculture is this idea I got from my friend Jed. My mom isn't totally sold on turning our old sandbox into a snail colony, but its not quite spring yet and I think I piqued her interest. As part of research and development, Jed and I will naturally need to prepare several batches of escargot at home using various species of snails.

4. Soap making. I did this at Birch Creek Ranch where I worked last summer and it was great fun. Plus I need something to do with all of the organic cracked wheat left over from work. I don't like eating it, but it makes for a nice abrasive surface in a bar of soap.

5. Paper making. According to my friend Andrew, this is harder than the internet makes it sound.

I hope to get this out of my system this summer since I will likely be returning to school in the fall. If you want to sample any of the results of these projects, you should invite me to your birthday party or bring me some of your homemade suckers or something.

Welcome to the Medicine Show

2010-02-21T00:21:00.011-07:00

Working for a wilderness therapy program exposes one to various people in transitional periods of their lives, to put it lightly. They are pleasant, peace-loving folk for the most part, who probably should have been alive for the 60s but missed out for some meaningless (or perhaps cosmic) purpose.

One of my coworkers has learned to make kombucha, an indian cultured tea which I find to be bitter and oddly appealing. He said that he is working on an instructional booklet about how to make it, and he knows that I would like a copy when its finished. The selling point of kombucha is that it contains an active symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast. Who wouldn't be interested? I'm also told that kombucha balances out your energies. Well its about time!

He's not the alone. The Summums produce "nectar publications", alcoholic drinks that are infused with truths which are absorbed into your subconscious when the nectar is drunk before a meditation session. They make "seven of an expected twenty-seven" different flavors! I am not eligible to drink them though--only those who have been through an initiation ceremony are allowed. But if I were, I know which flavor I would choose: Sexual Ecstasy.

I think I am basically on the same page here. I've been making sodas these past few months. I haven't worked out a Sexual Ecstasy flavor yet, but I've perfected a killer ginger beer, a caffeinated cola with real coca extract, a fizzy spiced grape, one that tastes like a ginger snap, root beer, birch beer, blueberry, and licorice soda, which really is like drinking a bottle of liquid good and plentys. They might even balance your energies or impart truths to your subconscious, but so far the FDA has ignored all of my letters asking for them to evaluate those statements. I guess you'll have to try one and then get back to me.

Headline: Cool Costume No Sub For Skill

2010-02-15T22:25:00.003-07:00

In my defense, it was a choppy ride, and the rope jerked me in midair and pulled me off balance. Seriously! Watch it frame by frame if you don't believe me! My favorite part is the weird voice that says "Oh, No!" right after I roll.

Click the video twice to watch it at Youtube. That way the side doesn't get cut off.

Ideas for Names for When I Found My Own Country

2010-01-30T01:13:00.004-07:00

1. Brooksylvania
2. New Brookston
3. TR-akistan
4. Brooksfoundland
5. Brooksitania
6. Remingtonton
7.Brookskatchewan

2010-01-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't make any resolutions this year.

Happy Solstice, etc.

2009-12-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Very clever, ya wiseguys.

2009-12-17T10:26:00.001-07:00

A vow of silence makes singing difficult, but not impossible.

Sailing to Australia

2009-12-14T13:45:00.008-07:00

During the summer of 2008 I posted an entry about two coworkers who were leaving on what I thought was a risky backpacking trip through the Brooks Mountain Range in Alaska's Arctic. I was relieved (if a bit embarrassed) when they both returned safely without having had any real trouble.

That was nothing! Now my friend Shawn is sailing from Long Beach to Australia in a 34-foot yacht. He has posted a couple lengthy sentimental blog entries about the trip, but the real action is going on at his Spot tracking site. At the moment he looks to be a couple hundred miles southwest of Ensenada, with about 9,000 miles in front of him.

I asked him what his longest journey thus far had been. He had sailed the 21 miles to Catalina Island a half-dozen times on days when the weather was nice.

Other facts:

-He has budgeted 9 months for the trip.
-He hasn't decided how he will return from Australia.
-His facebook relationship status is listed as "engaged".
-The yacht came with a bottle of champagne made especially for christening the yacht. That is, the captain and first mate drink some and then shatter the rest against the hull. The bottle reads "not for human consumption".
-The yacht carries, if I remember correctly, about 50 gallons of fresh water when its full.
-The yacht can travel about 300 miles using its fuel and engine if there's not enough wind to move them along.
-Besides the Spot tracker, the ship is equipped with an emergency beacon that will activate if submerged in water. It notifies the nearest Coast Guard, search and rescue, etc.
-There is a crew of three including Shawn.
-Shawn is worried about pirates.

Anyway, if you any of you could send a prayer or some positive energy or whatever his way, I have a feeling that he will use every bit of it.

Our mutual friend Tim on deck of The Enchantress en route to Catalina Island from Long Beach.

Christmas Newsletter 2009

2009-12-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Oh, hello again. Well I guess another year has passed. I am hesitant in writing a Christmas newsletter this year since not much has happened since last time, but I figure this will be easier than attending my ten-year high school reunion this summer. Which I don't think I'll do.
So here we go. One year ago, we were different people. Not really, of course, but I know in my own case there were some things that I have experienced that Past TR had no idea about. Here's just one example: a year ago I had never eaten at Red Lobster. But this year's Christmas letter is not about Red Lobster.
Let me back up a bit. I took a plane out to Reno for Thanksgiving last month. That's where my brother lives with his wife, two young children, a house, quite a few books, some comfortable furniture and a few other things. Not bad for a guy who is only two and half years older than me. He doesn't have his own accordion though.
Thanksgiving was nice. The food was as good as it has ever been and we went for a walk afterwards. The local University's radio station was even kind enough to play Alice's Restaurant without having to ask. It reminded me how I've still been meaning to get around to having my own family someday.
Actually, a lot of my aspirations haven't worked out this year. My several relationships didn't last, I didn't get into graduate school, and I am still working at the same non-benefited job I had more than three years ago. If I only had more initiative, I could probably already be on my second marriage and be working at a completely different dead-end job.
What else is new? I have taken to making sodas. Root beer, lemon lime, cola, grape, cherry, and ginger beer. Most people I give them to don't like them because they taste like yeast. If you want to try one let me know. You will probably hate it.
Wait! I think I know the problem with Christmas newsletters: Since we idealize the past, the current year never seems like it is as good as the other ones. But as I look back on this one I can already feel some of my good memories getting better and my bad ones disappearing entirely.
Here is one of my favorite jokes: A guy walks into a doctor's office wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. Pointing to the briefcase, he says “You gotta help me, Doc. I got this case of diarrhea!”
Sorry. Listen, I have that uneasy feeling again. Its the same one I got before I planned my five-week trip to Europe in 2005, before I quit my job for no good reason in 2007, and before I decided to move to Alaska for five months in 2008. Those have all been good decisions, by the way. So I think another good decision is just around the corner. I can't wait to see what it will be and the anticipation is killing me. It's a lot like waiting for Christmas.

Love,

TR

This Again!

2009-12-09T06:00:00.004-07:00

Year of the Book

2009-11-30T10:23:00.002-07:00

This was the year of the book for me. I read a lot of them, and for some reason, almost half of them were written by Kurt Vonnegut:

Slaughterhouse Five
Cat's Cradle
The Sirens of Titan
Breakfast of Champions
Timequake

and the rest:

A Personal Anthology -Jorge Luis Borges
Love in the Time of Cholera -Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A Confederacy of Dunces -John Kennedy Toole
Mutant Message Down Under -Marlo Morgan
The Backslider -Levi S. Peterson
Born to Run -Christopher McDougall

And that's without even being stranded at a truck stop in Alaska. I would recommend any of those books, with the exception of Mutant Message Down Under. Here's all of the ones that I have abandoned for now, and still need to finish:

The Seven Sins of Memory
Last Child in the Woods
Flow
The Jaguar Smile
Stumbling on Happiness
Searching for Memory
Catch 22
Geek Love
Dee Brown's Folk Tales of the Native American

Well, maybe I'll review some of them later. Maybe I won't.

2009-11-25T01:53:00.003-07:00

A recent visit to Google Analytics reminded me that it is probably not wise to mention the name of the company I work for in a blog post. But I am back working for a certain therapeutic program. And they gave me a t-shirt to wear with one of the company slogans on the back. It says "Expect More".

Actually, that is terrible advice for most of the population that I work with.

2009-10-03T08:56:00.000-06:00

2009-09-30T23:39:00.004-06:00

Say, speaking of vampires, I had this great idea. If you're a vampire, you should try to convince another vampire that you're a human. Wear makeup, bright colors, etc. Then let him try to bite you. When he does, you can laugh and say: "Duh, I'm already a vampire!"

Happy October, everyone.

Let an Angel Pass

2009-09-29T16:21:00.001-06:00

Many of you know that I like this movie. But the main reason I like it is because of this one scene.

Way to save the planet, Poindexter!

2009-09-10T07:26:00.008-06:00

Do you have one of these bags?

They're fantastic aren't they? Not only do they save the planet, but they loudly announce that fact to anyone who sees you carrying one to your car. As soon as I pick mine up, I can literally feel my nose lift higher into the air.

Actually, you and I are both suckers for buying them. Mine cost one dollar, is falling apart after some medium-duty usage, and isn't really that earth friendly. You see, my bag (and every other one that I have seen) has this to say:

I don't know the calculations to use, but it seems like a ship full of these coming from China isn't the best thing for the planet.

Basically, you and I have both bought snooty, expensive versions of an ordinary plastic bag. Most of the ones I see now cost $2, but at least those ones advertise your favorite white upper-middle-class business (I'm looking at you, Whole Foods and Borders).

But never fear! We at Swirly Patterns won't criticize your efforts without offering helpful alternative suggestions*. For example, there's always the good old zippered tote bag:

Remember tote bags? How did these silly Green bags ever replace them? My mom has totes kicking around her house from my dad's medical convention days. If you're not so lucky, they are always for sale at Deseret Industries (that's a thrift store, for you non-Utahn readers) in the purses section. My favorite kind are the zippered nylon ones with ambiguous company logos.

Here's why they're better:

- They only ever cost $1. A tax-free dollar, I hasten to add. Sometimes they are only 75 or 50 cents.
- DI is a much better cause than Barnes and Noble. Duh.
- Made in USA, China, or wherever, you are reusing something that someone else is getting rid of. It doesn't matter where it was made.
-They last longer. My "green" bag only lasted two months. My tote bags have all lasted several years.
- They have zippers!
- You might find some other treasures when you go into DI to buy one. My most recent find was a full cow hide for $15.
- While you're bored and waiting in line at the grocery store, you can wonder what sort of company would be called "GeniFlexus" or something like that. In my case, I get to wonder what sort of medical condition necessitates a drug called "Esperimazole".

So, um, I'll see you at the thrift store. But keep your hands off of that $35 Fender Rhodes. I saw it first, ya jerk!

*Swirly Patters reserves the right to criticize your efforts without offering helpful alternative suggestions.

Potluck Meals and Cajun Reels

2009-09-08T10:26:00.004-06:00

Two years ago I attended my first of several meetings with the Salt Lake Area Accordion Club. It cost $7 to go and included a potluck meal and an accordion concert. If you went early you could play your accordion with any of the other attendees who brought their accordions.

I was the youngest person there by at least 15 years (unless you count people dragged there by parents).

It had the feeling of a church activity. In 1950.

It was fun and I realized that since I stopped being a missionary, I hadn't really interacted with old people in a long time.

Here's a list of highlights from those meetings:
1. I once went with my friend Daniela who is black, but not very dark. An old man asked her with genuine interest and curiosity what race she is.

2. Ralph, a German who runs an accordion shop out of his house in Sandy, appraised my accordion at $300 and told me about how to take care of it. "Accordions last longer if they are played regularly, so PRACTICE". He punched me quite hard in the shoulder as he said the first syllable of the last word.

3. I watched several people play electronic accordions which are, in my opinion, a terrible invention.

4. Lil' smokies.

Anyway, I was sad to learn earlier this summer that the group is now defunct. They sent me a link to the last monthly newsletter which features a sort of goodbye, thanks, and you damn well better be grateful from Jay and Janet Todd, the two program directors who are married to each other.

Anyway, this probably means its time for me to start taking lessons. Janet teaches lessons but they're expensive. Maybe I'll send her an email.

Why haven't I heard this word used more?

2009-09-05T15:44:00.002-06:00

for⋅mi⋅ca⋅tion
/ˌfɔrmɪˈkeɪʃən/ [fawr-mi-key-shuhn]
–noun
a tactile hallucination involving the belief that something is crawling on the body or under the skin.

from Wiktionary

hey, um, look over there.

2009-08-30T16:13:00.002-06:00

So its been a while. I'll just tell you right now that this isn't even a real post. But I thought that since I haven't had any new insights to share with you (yeah, I call them insights) that I could direct you to my other blog for the moment, where I am in the process of publishing, in eight parts, some details about my struggle with depression.

Since that seems much to serious for Swirly Patterns, I put it over at Padded Folding Chair, and here is part one so that it will make sense from the get-go. Four of the eight entries have published as of this Sunday afternoon, and each of the others will appear one day at a time until the last one is posted on Thursday.

2009-07-04T14:45:00.001-06:00

ZLB: TR, do you want to hike down Death Hollow or Pleasant Creek?

TR: Pleasant Creek.

2009-06-12T19:41:00.001-06:00

TR: If I had a friend named Brandt, I think a good nickname for him would be "Raisin Brandt".

eped: That's probably why you don't have any friends named Brandt.

Stuff I learned in Costa Rica, Part 3

2009-05-26T07:55:00.007-06:00

This leaf is from a Zamia plant.

Zamias are members of the cycad family, if you're interested. But in ten seconds, when I tell you the really crazy things about Zamias, you won't care what family they're in.

First off, zamia plants produce sperm cells that have cilia for locomotion. (Some scientists dispute that the cilia actually do anything, but come on guys.)

Not only that, these are the largest sperm cells in the world at almost a half millimeter. (You can see them without a microscope.)

Okay, here's where it gets even weirder. But to go any further I have to introduce you to this fellow:

His name's Eugenio. He once told me: "You can forget your wallet, your passport, your cell phone, and even your wife. But don't ever forget your machete."

Eugenio is a 42 year old biologist at Dúrika Biological Reserve in the Talamanca mountains. He said that one particular group of indigenous people used the zamia as a contraceptive; the men made an extract from it which they drank. It would knock out their sperm production for 6 to 12 months. Kind of ironic because, well, the plant itself produces sperm cells...

Here's where this thing really gets wonderful. Tradition held that this plant was a gift from the gods. (I mean, you would have been grateful too.) The gift was delivered on a "flaming disc" that came down out of the sky. (By the way, these indians are credited with being the first people ever to put the responsibility of birth control on the men.)

So. Weird plant that seems almost foreign to this world, delivered on a flaming disc. Can you see where I am going with this? Eugenio stood and waited for me to connect the dots myself. "You mean like aliens?"

Yes, like aliens. As far as he could see, the only trouble with such a theory is that the zamia is only pollinated by special beetles which feed on the seed cones. Did the beetles get to ride on the flying saucer too? Or were they already here and just really open-minded, such that they could come to appreciate this new ethnic food? In any case, let us not forget the Malcolm Principle.

"Life finds a way."

Anyway, kudos to those aliens. Every time we try something like that we seem to have less fortunate results.

One last thing: Eugenio said that Merck is developing a birth control pill for men made from zamia. I haven't been able to find info on this yet, so don't get too excited.

Stuff I learned in Costa Rica, part 2

2009-05-24T13:38:00.003-06:00

Don't be fooled by the apparent simplicity of Spanish. Here's just one example:

Pizzería = Pizza store
Papelría = Stationery store
Taquería = Taco Store
Librería = Bookstore
Yonkería = Junk yard

But a "Ferretería" does not sell ferrets. If you find yourself in Latin America AND in need of a ferret, such a store will not help you!

Stuff I learned in Costa Rica, part 1

2009-05-22T19:41:00.002-06:00

(Once the video starts playing, click on it again to watch it at youtube. That way the side doesn't get cut off.)

The quote at the end says: ...human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them ...life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.

Gahhh!

2009-05-13T10:19:00.003-06:00

The only thing I hate more than sloths is baby sloths!

So I'm going to Costa Rica

2009-04-28T15:40:00.003-06:00

and the advice I keep getting from people is to "watch out for swine flu".

Well I hate to rain tamiflu on your global pandemic, but Mexico and the United States are where you have to watch out for swine flu.

The only thing I have to watch out for is sunburn and strained eyeballs from reading too much on the beach.

Also crocodiles, sharks, scorpions, venomous snakes, jaguars, dengue fever, and malaria.

And sloths.

Man, these things creep me out.

At last!

2009-04-14T18:07:00.002-06:00

We finally know how candy corn behaves in space!

The only good reason to wear a watch

2009-04-02T08:44:00.003-06:00

"Carry some text with you or wear a digital watch throughout the day. To do a reality test, read the words or the numbers on the watch. Then, look away and look back, observing the letters or numbers to see if they change. . . If the characters do change, are not normal, or do not make sense, then you are most probably dreaming."

-Stephen LaBerge,
Lucid Dreaming

I noticed people were changing their faces as I walked past and I thought that couldn't be right, so I looked down and realized that I wasn't wearing a watch. Luckily there happened to a manual wall clock, so I looked at that. Then I looked again and again, and it had changed several hours in a matter of seconds. I knew I was dreaming, so I walked around changing everything about the dream to the way I wanted. When I was done, not being creative enough to direct the dream beyond that point, I woke up.

How to beat a Utah traffic ticket

2009-03-30T19:32:00.002-06:00

Many of remember, from like four years ago, when I posted the entire story of how I beat a traffic ticket. Since then a lot of people have asked me about the details of how that happened, so I decided to outline here as a list of steps. FYI, my ticket was issued in Lindon, Utah. Other towns, counties, states, etc. probably have slightly different laws so these tips may or may not apply.

When you get your ticket.

1. Try and be as unremarkable as possible. Try not to do anything to make writing this particular ticket stick in the officer's memory. This will be important later.

2. Save your carbon copy of the ticket and any other paperwork you get. Make a note of when and how you can contest the ticket but don't ask the cop to repeat that info. You don't want him/her to know that you intend to contest. This info is usually printed somewhere on the carbon copy.

3. After the cop leaves, take some photos of the area. Don't do this if you think you might be seen by him/her. You don't want the cop to be alerted to the fact that you intend to contest the ticket.

4. If the officer said you have a "traffic school" option, consider taking it. Sometimes the fee is less than that of the ticket and it replaces the cost of the ticket. It will also prevent the ticket from appearing on your MVR and your insurance company will never know about it. If the cop caught you breaking the law fair and square, my advice is to stop here and opt for traffic school. If you feel it was unfair, continue!

Scheduling your hearing, etc.

5. There is a certain window of time during which you can schedule when you will go to court to enter your plea. Wait until the end of that window, like the last day or the day before. Don't wait until the end of the last day or you could miss your chance.

6. Schedule your day for the latest possible slot that is available. The goal here is to make all of the court proceedings occur long after the ticket so that the officer either doesn't care enough to show up or doesn't remember enough to be helpful.

7. When you schedule your plea, they will give you a window of time during which you can call back and reschedule. Jot that down and repeat steps 5-7 as many times as they will let you. At the very least, this will delay your paying the ticket (probably for months) and you can plan your budget to accommodate the fee so it won't sting so much.

Entering your plea.

8. When you go to enter your plea, they might offer to reduce your fine if you plead guilty. This would be a partial victory, so consider the offer. Try to bargain with them that it will also remain off of your record. In my opinion, that is an even bigger victory than having the fine reduced. If they offer you no incentive to plead guilty, then plead not guilty. (Note: pleading not guilty often removes your "traffic school" option.)

9. The judge might ask you if you want a pre-trial meeting or if you if prefer to go straight to trial. If you've still got the patience, take the first option. This will delay your actual trial even further, while the cop's memory and concern for this case both continue to fade...

Pre-trial meeting

10. Basically you and the prosecutor will meet to discuss your case. If you have a good case, you will probably get a pretty good offer. Again, try to keep the ticket off of your record. This will probably save you more over time on your insurance than the cost of the ticket. Consider any offers, since these would be a partial victory.

Before the trial

(Note: My case was dismissed after my pre-trial meeting, so everything from now on is untested. Try it at your own risk.)

11. If the prosecutor doesn't give you a good enough offer and you go to trial, keep trying to reschedule the trial in the same way as before.

12. In the meantime, here are two little known tricks I learned from my uncle, a Utah state prosecutor:
a. Request for discovery: Send a letter to the prosecutor requesting that the evidence that will be used against you be sent to you. Here is more info as well as a template. If the prosecution responds saying that they have nothing to send you, save that letter and bring it to court with you. You will need it later for a dirty little trick that you might have occasion to play.
b. Request a jury trial: Some traffic violations are considered infractions. These will not appear on criminal background checks and will not affect employment. Others are misdemeanors, which WILL appear on background checks. In my case ("unsafe lane travel"), I was looking at a class C misdemeanor. I work with children at many of my jobs, so I was not eager to be found guilty. BUT, in Utah and some other places, this gives you another bit of leverage. A defendant may demand a trial by jury for anything that is a class C misdemeanor or greater. Get a lawyer friend to send you a form to do this. The prosecutor will either drop the charges or the court, unwilling to spend hundreds of dollars in an attempt to get $150 from you, will reduce the charges to an infraction. Either way, you're better off.

At the trial

13. Show up! Otherwise you will be found guilty. If you requested a jury and they actually brought one in, you could also get charged with contempt. If the officer fails to show up, move for dismissal. If the prosecutor tries to reschedule the trial, argue. Say that this is your third time coming to the courthouse. If you live more than a few miles away or if you took time off of work, mention that. If you work full time, are married, have children, are a student, have health problems etc., that doesn't hurt either.

14. Here's the dirty little trick that I mentioned earlier: if the cop does show up and testifies against you, chances are he or she will use some notes jotted down on the back of the ticket at the time of the citation. Otherwise, no cop would ever be able to remember writing a ticket to you three or four months ago, especially since you were so unmemorable. If the cop uses these notes, point out that they were not sent to you in response to your request for discovery. Show the judge your letter stating that they had nothing to send you. Move for dismissal. Score!

15. If none of this works, then pay your fine and quit driving like a jerk.

Original posts

Quaternary Park

2009-03-14T18:58:00.002-06:00

That Jeff Goldblum freaks me out sometimes, but in every one of his movies his lunatic rantings turn out to be the one thing that saves everyone (or would have if they had listened). The most obvious one is Jurassic Park. Here's the clip in case you were Amish during the 1990's and didn't see it:

(I chose this one for all of my Chinese readers.)

Anyway, it turns out we Utahns ignored him in real life. Now we're stuck with a beetle that reproduces many times faster than anyone anticipated, and it reproduces in areas that we we're sure it wouldn't.

I know it's invasive, but I admit that I will miss tamarisk. It looks nice along the banks of the Colorado and its wood is light and almost unbreakable. Looks like soon it might be gone from Salt Lake to the Mexican border.

And even though I've never seen one, I send my condolences to the Willow Flycatcher bird, whose entire species is now likely to be wiped out as a result of this experiment.

Uh, guys...

2009-02-19T07:35:00.003-07:00

Er, um.....

Wow! Remember the Reef Island Job (from like, one post ago)?

Over 10,000 people have applied.

Mine is ranked at #19 right now.

Thanks for voting! I can't believe this. Looks like I owe a lot of people some koala eggs.

And you thought election season had ended.

2009-02-06T17:34:00.003-07:00

Hello dear, faithful readers. You might remember me mentioning The Greatest Job in the World. Well, I've applied, and you can help me get it! It's not based completely on votes, but if lots of you view my video and give me a rating of five stars, it will help. I will make you three promises:

-It is less than 60 seconds

-It is safe for work

-It is slightly entertaining

Click Click Click!

Thanks, and when you're done post a comment I'll send you a postcard and maybe some koala eggs or something if they choose me.

Thanks Kelly for interviewing me and English for manning the camera.

Swirly Patterns: Behind the Worldwide Success

2009-02-03T13:27:00.003-07:00

On NPR they said not only is everyone entitled to 15 minutes of fame, but for bloggers, anyone can be famous to 15 people. (Or in my case, 11.) Anyway, I thought you might like to see some Swirly Patterns stats, according to Google Analytics.

For the month of January:

visitor traffic increased by 71%! yahoo!
there were 884 visits from 636 people
of those, 67% visited for the first (and probably last) time
35 countries were represented, including Greece and the Philippines
last month someone in Iran visited Swirly Patterns

15 of the 884 visits were loaded with a dialup connection

most visitors are referred by google when searching for "swirly patterns" or "the ganzfeld procedure". Unfortunately for them, this blog provides no information on either topic.

about every two days, someone is referred to Swirly Patterns by googling "tr brooks".
about every five days, someone is referred to Swirly Patterns by googling "swirly patterns blog".
last month 14 people visited Swirly Patterns looking for andrew bird chords or sovay chords.

Of all of the blogs that link to Swirly Patterns, "Baked Goods and Bads" yielded the most referrals.

9 visitors came to Swirly Patterns through my facebook page in January.

For some reason, 92 visits occurred on January 12. That is more than three times the average number of visits per day. There were no new posts that day. The next busiest day had only 59 visits.

The average visitor spends 50 seconds at Swirly Patterns before moving on to something more productive and interesting.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry that there aren't really any swirly patterns here.

idea #4

2009-01-26T11:58:00.001-07:00

If I were ever going to poison someone, I would poison their grapefruit. Because who would ever suspect a grapefruit of being poisoned?

2009-01-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

Oh Come On! If You Can Try Out for American Idol, Then I Can Apply for This.

2009-01-14T15:58:00.001-07:00

http://www.islandreefjob.com/

2009-01-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.whoppersacrifice.com/

Being eaten by a plant

2009-01-05T09:33:00.002-07:00

Green Crystal, Water, Chopsticks

2009-01-04T12:16:00.004-07:00

Bible proves Obama will be worse than Bush!

2009-01-03T08:54:00.003-07:00

Hey Obama fans, guess who disagrees with you? Oh, just this guy named GOD. In fact, the apostle Paul prophesied that Obama would do far more damage than Bush. Look:

And what shall I more say? for the time would fail me to tell of Gedeon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthae; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets:
Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,
Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.

Hebrews 11:32-34

Sure, Bush invaded Iraq, but as this passage clearly warns us, Obama is going to start a conflict with aliens! Right now they are content to flatten our cornfields, burn a cow every now and then, and abduct us for the occasional probing, but the Obama administration is going to do something to incite their full wrath. Even though the language of this passage suggests that we will win the conflict, does anyone really "win" a war with aliens?

The worst thing about this is that Obama is going to start this space war "through faith", which is obviously a mistranslation of whatever the greek word for "hope" or "change we can believe in" is.

Not just a John Coltrane song

2009-01-01T17:51:00.006-07:00

Hey guys! I just got a text message that said "Happy Nude Year". That's pretty funny, unless you're a Puritan.

So here are my resolutions for the year as well as how I plan to implement them:

1. Have greater resolve.

This one is easy; I'll just think of more resolutions! (I heard that we're supposed to set realistic goals.)

2. Be more fair.

I figured that one step toward being more fair is to implement the fairness doctrine into swirly patterns. So in order to do that, I will be a politically conservative blogger for the month of January. An EXTREMELY conservative blogger. I am actually really excited about this.

3. No more Arby's.

Again, realistic goals. There is no way I will eat at Arby's this year on account of them poisoning me last month! (I have powerful enemies, it seems.)

4. Think of more resolutions.

It's obvious that this resolution has already failed just 18 hours into the new year. At least now I am spared from wondering which resolution I will break first.

Busking in 2008

2008-12-28T19:52:00.002-07:00

As I've mentioned in earlier posts, December is my month for busking, which I do for money, sure, but mostly for the stories it generates. While less eventful than last year, I had three good ones this month:

1. While in the middle of We Three Kings, someone started stuffing something down the front of my shirt. A voice said, "Can I put this in your bra?" I stopped playing, of course, and saw my uncle standing there.

2. One of the employees came out of the Lion House on South Temple. She offered to bring me some hot chocolate. It was so nice of her that it made me sad to say no. To drink it I would have to stop playing, and I wanted to keep playing. She seemed really distracted and embarrassed to be talking to me. Maybe she thought I was cute. Too bad she was like sixteen years old or maybe something could have happened. How great would that story be?

3. During O Holy Night, some wiseguys in a car stopped at a stoplight shouted: "You suck! Go back to France!" (Probably my favorite busking experience this year.)

From Wikipedia:

Some people stereotype buskers as being unemployed, homeless or beggars. Most buskers are not, and these terms are normally derogatory when referring to a busker. Some people will heckle buskers and stigmatize them as such regardless of their social status.

2008-12-22T08:12:00.001-07:00

A follow-up to the previous post. Thanks to eped for showing us where to donate to Tim Dechristopher's legal defense fund.

More good than 3/4 of a lifetime of voting anyway

2008-12-20T14:55:00.004-07:00

I haven't spoken to Tim for a little over a year, and he might not even remember my name, but when he and I worked together for Outback Therapeutic Expeditions, I spent a couple of weeks working with him day and night, trying to help troubled teens to quit doing drugs, getting in fights, sleeping around, and getting involved with gangs. He was a good instructor and he would never avoid doing what was difficult if he thought it was what needed to be done.

Now everyone knows that that is how Tim is. In case you haven't heard, some local troublemaker thought up an ingenious new white-collar brand of monkey-wrenching, and carried it out yesterday.

Trib article
KSL article, with video

That troublemaker was Tim, and he's gotten such a good response that there's talk of raising the money to buy the $1.7 million worth of land that he bid on. Or at least the money to bail him out of jail. (He's facing felony charges.)

And if that doesn't work, there's talk of an Obama pardon. John Podesta, Obama's transition team leader, has been trying to prevent this lease anyway.

Well done Tim. Good luck to you.

(If a fund is created to buy Tim's leases, I'll post a link to it here.)

Christmastime, Schmistmastime

2008-12-16T12:14:00.004-07:00

Hi everyone. I like the tradition of the Christmas newsletter because it is so powerful. I think its most effective use is showing that as of when it was sent, its author hasn’t died yet. But beyond that, it has all sorts of uses. It’s like a once-a-year blog entry or the paper version of saying “Look at me!” It’s also useful for showing all of the friends that you secretly hate that you are doing WAY better than they are. Sort of like an update for the Joneses informing them that they have got a lot of work to do if they are going to keep up with you.

Anyway I think it’s customary for me to say all of the cool things that have happened this last year. Well, today at work I saw that someone left their book lying around, and we put it in the lost and found. The book was called Left Behind. I thought that was kind of neat.

I have been applying to graduate school, which is not even a little bit fun. Really it only adds to the increasing amount of time that I spend trying to convince other people that I’m worthwhile.
My five-month stint in Alaska was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it was a good experience during which I learned a lot, saved some money, made new friends, and had a lot of fun. On the other hand, and I’m afraid to admit this, it caused the global financial crisis. Yes, that whole thing was my fault. I was saving my money, and when I had a nice big chunk, I invested it into a mutual fund. Two days later AIG went bust causing President Bush to learn a new word: “cataclysm” (like I said, a mixed blessing).

So anyone who lost their 401k or their job, It was my fault. I am very sorry. Let me know and I will bake you some cookies. Probably snickerdoodles.

Many of you are probably concerned about whether I am dating anyone. That’s nice of you. Thank you.

Busking if going well. It is actually a higher paying job than I have ever had before. And it’s more fun than just about any job either. So why not do it full time? Well, my hands go numb after about one hour, and people are not as generous during business hours or during the non-Christmas season. And I like Christmas songs a lot, so I don’t know if it would be as fun during the rest of the year.

Well, that about does 'er. Even though it’s cold out, the plants are dead, I’m still single, not rich, and I spend my free time writing boring essays for committees to read, at this very moment I am warm and have plenty to eat. I have good friends and a great family. I am happy most of the time and incorrigibly optimistic.

MERRY WAR ON CHRISTMAS!

Love,
T.R.

2008-12-10T12:47:00.002-07:00

Perhaps the coolest text message I've gotten in the last several months:

4 men. 1 car.
3864 miles. 56
hours of driving
in a 64 hour
span. Sugar Bowl
2008/2009! Go
Utes! You in?

El Esquiar

2008-12-05T19:54:00.003-07:00

Salt Lakers are some of the skiingest folks in America, but it seems it is only us white folks who ski. Sure, sometimes I see some Japanese tourists up at Alta too, but that's about it. So imagine how great it was to see a Mexican couple skiing today. At least they looked Mexican. Not that I can tell a Mexican from, say, a Honduras-ian, or whatever people from Honduras are called.

They looked happy too, and it made my day. We don't see enough diversity up there. Unless you count guys who wear those pastel waterproof pants or burberry plaid ski jackets (gays, probably, but you never can tell).

Corrections

2008-12-03T14:57:00.002-07:00

Wow, two glaring errors in previous posts of mine. Oddly, both have to do with time and the passage thereof. In reverse chronological order, they are:

1. I am not actually a Cancer (anymore) nor was I ever a Leo. I did the backward/forward thing wrong and it turns out I am a Gemini. So watch out, because Badass T.R. has got pushover T.R.'s back!

2. Swirly Patterns is not five years old, but is actually only four. I don't know how I decided that I had started this thing in 2003, but somehow I did.

Now before you criticize me too much, I just want to remind you about Badass T.R.

Also: how come you guys didn't catch my errors either?

Another one of the vampire costume. There's some green thing going on in this one. Glistening, maybe?

Crepuscular Commentary

2008-11-26T22:14:00.002-07:00

TR: I'm going to see Twilight with some friends. We're dressing as vampires.

eped: Why don't you dress as girls?

(this was absolutely the best vampire costume I could assemble in ten minutes.)

"Sovay" (Andrew Bird) Chords

2008-11-24T12:19:00.003-07:00

This is linkbait, of course, but someone somewhere might find this useful.

"Sovay"
by Andrew Bird

|: C C | G G | Fmaj7 Dm | Fmaj7 Dm :||

the pickup notes to the chorus are F,F, F#, G, D, G#

chorus
| Am Am| E E | Fmaj7 Fmaj7 | E E | Am Am | E E | Fmaj7 Fmaj7 | Fmaj7 Fmaj7 ||

and here's the lyrics:

I was getting ready to be a threat
I was getting set for my
accidental suicide
the kind where no one dies
no one looks too surprised
then you realize
that you're riding on a para-success
of a heavy-handed metaphor
and a feeling like you've been here before
because you've been here before
and you've been here before
then a word washed ashore
a word washed ashore
then a word washed ashore

(chorus)
sovay, sovay, sovay
all along the day

I was getting ready to consider my next plan of attack
I think I'm gonna sack
the whole board of trustees
all those Don Quixotes and their B-17s
and I swear this time
yeah this time
they'll blow us back to the 70's
and this time
they're playin Ride of the Valkyries
with no semblance of grace or ease
and they're acting on vagaries
with their violent proclivities
and they're playing ride
Ride of the Valkyries

(repeat chorus)

Of Drums and Diarrhea.

2008-11-23T15:37:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I went to a "Friendsgiving" dinner. This one had a neat little caveat: we had to either dress as Indians or Pilgrims. I put on some animal skins and some spare pieces of leather I had lying around from my Outback days, and I lent Cate some too. I'd say we had the best Indian costumes, but when we walked in there were about 15 other people, and all were dressed as Indians. Not one Pilgrim.

Is that surprising though? Which would you rather do: Wear animal skins and spend the day outside fishing, hunting, and hitting drums OR sitting inside all day reading the Bible, stopping
only to go to the latrine to unbutton your church pants to make way for your raging dysentery?

A Tenacious Cancer or a Noble Leo?

2008-11-17T08:29:00.004-07:00

This is great! How often does a deterministic world view let you choose anything? Well, by definition, never, but we could have an entire conversation about this sometime. Later. When I have had less sleep. For now, remember this guy?

Here he explains why you can choose your favorite of TWO Western Zodiac signs:

Actually, Bill would probably let you choose any number of the twelve that you like, but this way you can still back it up with pseudoscience!

In the meantime, I'm struggling. Am I a Cancer or a Leo?

2008-11-07T12:06:00.002-07:00

TR: Hey, you know what is really good? Peach Fresca mixed with Orange Juice

eped: I can't think of a gayer drink than that.

2008-11-04T13:37:00.004-07:00

poor Dorian Gray
who died on Election Day
"loaded with goodies"
from krispy kreme, starbucks, ben, jerry,
chick fil-A, babeland and more.
Not even a picture could
cure the epicure of the first tuesday
after the first monday
in November
so next year remember, remember,
save excess instead
for the month of december.

It's Fundamental!!

2008-11-03T20:19:00.003-07:00

3/3 icons agree. Go vote!

2008-11-03T09:07:00.003-07:00

Swirly Patterns turns five years old this week. Mostly that makes me feel accomplished and all, but it presents me with a dilemma.

I think it might be time to retire Swirly Patterns and start fresh because:

1. Five years is, like, a nice even number. Even though its an odd number.
2. I've gotten tired of the page layout again.
3. I could file this one under Burning Chaff.
4. Maybe it could symbolize, you know, turning over a new leaf or something. A new direction for my life.
5. It's fun to get rid of stuff. I think its almost the same rush as purchasing something.
6. Was it the Dalai Lama or Buddha or Chris in the morning who said that you have to let go of something in order to truly possess it?

But maybe I shouldn't because:

1. My blog is older than most people's, and I (probably mistakenly) think that makes it somehow more legit than younger blogs that are more fun to read.
2. I could just change the page layout if I wanted.
3. I will probably file this under Burning Chaff anyway.
4. I can't really think of a new direction for my life.
5. I can save that rush for when the current economic crisis reaches apocalyptic proportions and The Entire Internet, including google, is no more. By then Swirly Patterns will be 6 and a half, which will make the rush even greater.
6. Do I even want to "truly possess" Swirly Patterns?

Well I think I've made up my mind.

He was Behind the Couch the Whole Time

2008-10-30T00:26:00.004-06:00

I went to Catholic school for kindergarten, first grade, and second grade. Mrs. Groth was our music teacher, and I played recorder in her class and learned to sing. I mostly have good memories of her.

Only one memory stands out as a bad one. Around Halloween, she thought it would be a good idea to teach us this song:

Have you seen the ghost of John?
Long white bones with the skin all gone...
Oooo. Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo
Wouldn't it be chilly with no skin on?

It was scary. I was afraid of skeletons and that tune (which was actually very catchy) would get caught in my head. I would expect to see a skeleton around every corner. Watching Jason and the Argonauts didn't help much either.

I think I went as a skeleton that year.

This is the best version of the song that I could find.

Features for Irresponsible Creatures

2008-10-28T14:33:00.005-06:00

Tom Malloy once pointed out to me that Microsoft often identifies its bugs as "features".

While I was in Alaska, I drove a 15-passenger van which was sometimes completely full of Australians. Forget about the Australians for a minute though, because I want to talk about the van.

We had about a month with no nighttime, and yet I was still supposed to turn on the headlights whenever I drove. If I forgot, someone from the Alaska Department of Transportation would tell me to turn them on over the CB Radio (sometimes not very politely).

Anyway, I got into a good habit of nearly always turning the headlights on as soon as I started the van, which of course led to a new problem: remembering to turn them off. I killed the van's battery several times, and sometimes the Australians had to stand around and silently reflect on my incompetence while I jump-started the van. (I got really good at jump-starting.)

At home I never have this problem. I drive a Subaru, which will turn its own headlights off if you remove the key from the ignition. This is a great system that prevents a lot of forgetful people like me from getting stranded. The only possible drawback is that you are out of luck on all of those occasions when you need your headlights on and your keys in your hand.

But how often does that happen? Why can't you just leave your keys in the ignition? I'm convinced that we Americans demand the option of being idiots and hurting ourselves. That's why the nifty Subaru feature has never caught on with the other car companies. If I want to strand myself with a dead battery, then by gum, you better let me do it! Even if I don't do it on purpose!

Yeah, maybe its kind of insulting when a heap of belts, fans, pistons, etc. assumes that it knows better than you. But sometimes it does. I like the headlight feature, and I'm humble enough to admit it.

2008-10-27T14:19:00.002-06:00

So far, today has been one of those days where I ride a bike for 15 miles and then eat half of an apple pie in one sitting, and then a half pound of roast beef. It was terrible. And fantastic.

It would be cool, that's all.

2008-10-14T00:42:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I wanted to make fun of some people. That was before last night when I had a dream. A bunch of us were hanging out on top of a mountain, hiking, sleeping, eating, and taking pictures when we heard about how this spaceship was going to come and solve all of our problems.

Being skeptics, we got a kick out of it and thought we would go to the beachfront property where this would occur just for the atmosphere and, probably, so we could feel superior to those who honestly believed in it.

After a few hours, the appointed time started approaching and some of the believers were getting antsy. I was surprised to notice a bit of anxiety in myself too, and then noticed the clouds were doing really strange things. Things I had never seen clouds do before. My friends around me starting laughing and heckling the believers but all I could do was stare at the clouds and tug at the shirt of my friend next to me to try to get him to look.

Then I noticed a figure gliding toward us on the calm ocean at inhuman speed. It looked like a child with a white face and I felt my blood turn cold. Afraid of what this thing would do I hid behind a rock while one of the believers stood fearlessly on the beach with outstretched arms. The figure landed on the shore and embraced the believer, and I was sure that it was hoax until I looked back at the clouds, which were now changing colors. A massive cube skidded onto our shore and it was clear that it was no hoax; childlike beings with white faces emerged and raised their hands and smiled, to tell us they were here now, and everything would be ok, and no hard feelings for not believing, we still love you and we forgive you.

The clock on that website happens to be 43 seconds (I guess they're on Pacific Time) before the arrival of that spaceship and it makes me sad that the "spaceship of light" won't really come. I think I want it to come almost as much as the believers, if only because of the joy I felt in my dream when I saw the figures step out the cube for the first time.

Hey! There's so much more!

2008-10-13T08:32:00.011-06:00

Because of some computer problems in Alaska, I couldn't upload all of the photos that I wanted to. And Nobody will read Sam McGee is Dead anymore ever since I posted that heart-wrenchingly sentimental final entry. So here ya go:

We Get Letters

2008-10-10T12:17:00.004-06:00

A letter printed in BYU's Daily Universe this week.

My wife and I took a trip down to St. George this weekend and we had an opportunity to talk with a great uncle who lived in Austria during World War II. He remembered he was six years old when he heard Hitler speak for the first time. He told us he had a very distinct feeling of how evil Hitler was. The conversation switched to politics later on and he told us that he had the exact same feeling when he heard Obama speak for the first time. There's the common saying that those who don't learn from history are bound to repeat it. I'm not a hard-core Republican or anything like that, but since he received the same revelation for these two people, shouldn't we be doing something?

Christian Anderson
St. George

To which I replied:

Every newspaper gets ridiculous letters, but most have the sense not to print them. I'm referring, of course, to Christian Anderson's Oct.10 letter comparing Obama to Hitler, citing his great uncle's "revelation".
Anderson says "shouldn't we be doing something?" Well, if you're not already doing something to support your candidate, you're probably too late. Obama is probably going to win, and when he is elected and turns out to be a great president, or even a mediocre one, Anderson will be embarrassed to have his name attached to his great uncle's ramblings in The Daily Universe's online archives. Or by "doing something", does he mean we ought to stop our leaders from invading other countries and causing deaths? Because again, too late.
By Anderson's same reasoning, all of you coeds ought to have done something when that RM had a revelation that you were foreordained to marry him after just one or two dates. Hopefully that something was to ignore the revelation of a crazy person.
I know plenty of "hardcore Republicans" that are insightful enough to recognize Obama for what he is: A bright, sincere, loyal candidate with a lifelong record of true patriotism and effective public service. I even know some who are voting for him. His faithful marriage to his wife and commitment to his family are attributes to which we ought to aspire.
As someone who believes in personal revelation, might I offer an alternative explanation for this "revelation"? Obama and Hitler are both gifted public speakers. Anderson's uncle probably remembers a man speaking powerfully and a crowd responding. Through the years, that memory has become associated with evil, and now every time he hears a good speaker rallying a crowd, he thinks "Er erinnert mich an Hitler!"
Here's something else that will blow Anderson's mind: Obama's name sound's like Osama!
Maybe Anderson is right. We should "be doing something". And that something is keeping our crazy relatives indoors, away from the internet, and out of the newspaper.

TR Brooks
Salt Lake City

The United States of

2008-09-29T21:45:00.003-06:00

I once heard a very convincing argument in favor of keeping assault rifles legal in the US. It went something like this:

"They're lots of fun to shoot."

Ah yes, you say, nodding, TR is being sarcastic because he is a liberal.

Your premise is true, but your conclusion is not. I am not being sarcastic. I think the fact that they are fun to shoot is a good reason, nay, the best reason to keep those things legal.

I still don't think they should be legal, but I am saying that is a pretty good reason. Anything about defending your families is a pile of crap. Yes. It. Is. Your kids are much more likely to die by mistake re-enacting that last scene from 3:10 to Yuma (why did you let them watch that anyway?) than they are to have some criminal break into your house while he's lost in your east-side suburban neighborhood. Same thing goes for any appeal to the constitution. Sure, militias fought off His Majesty's Army, but what have they done for me lately?

So where were we? Guns are fun, that's true. If you are adverse to shooting one, good luck fitting in next time you're in Alaska for five months. Here's another use for them: If you have a friends visit from another country, you can take them shooting. Depending on what country they're from, it might be the most exotic thing they ever do.

Next time on Swirly Patterns: What about hunting?

It's that time of year for fractured friendships

2008-09-26T13:07:00.006-06:00

Not so current since the US economy went all Hindenburg, and McCain revealed that he has NO CLUE what is to be done, but this is still quite funny...

Obama gets some 'West Wing' wisdom

By Maureen Dowd New York Times

09/24/2008

Now that he's finally fired up on the soup-line economy, Barack Obama knows he can't fade out again. He was eager to talk privately to a Democratic ex-president who could offer more fatherly wisdom — not to mention a surreptitious smoke — and less fraternal rivalry. I called the "West Wing" creator Aaron Sorkin (yes, truly) to get a readout of the meeting. This is his account:

BARACK OBAMA: (Knocks on the front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire farmhouse while his Secret Service detail waits in the driveway. The door opens and Obama is standing face to face with former President JED BARTLET.)

BARTLET: Senator.

OBAMA: Mr. President.

BARTLET: You seem startled.

OBAMA: I didn't expect you to answer the door yourself.

BARTLET: I didn't expect you to be getting beat by John McCain and a Lancôme rep who thinks "The Flintstones" was based on a true story, so let's call it even.

OBAMA: Yes, sir.

BARTLET: Come on in. (Leads Obama into his study.)

BARTLET: That was a hell of a convention.

OBAMA: Thank you, I was proud of it.

BARTLET: I meant the Republicans. The Us vs. Them-a-thon. As a Democrat I was surprised to learn that I don't like small towns, God, people with jobs or America. I've been a little out of touch, but is there a mandate that the vice president be skilled at field-dressing a moose —

OBAMA: Look —

BARTLET: — and selling Advertisement Air Force Two on eBay?

OBAMA: Joke all you want, Mr. President, but it worked.

BARTLET: Imagine my surprise. What can I do for you, kid?

OBAMA: I'm interested in your advice.

BARTLET: I can't give it to you.

OBAMA: Why not?

BARTLET: I'm supporting McCain.

OBAMA: Why?

BARTLET: He's promised to eradicate evil, and that was always on my "to do" list.

OBAMA: OK —

BARTLET: And he's surrounded himself, I think, with the best possible team to get us out of an economic crisis. Why, Sarah Palin just said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had "gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers." Can you spot the error in that statement?

OBAMA: Yes, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac aren't funded by taxpayers.

BARTLET: Well, at least they are now. Kind of reminds you of the time Bush said that Social Security wasn't a government program. He was only off by a little — Social Security is the largest government program.

OBAMA: I appreciate your sense of humor, sir, but I really could use your advice.

BARTLET: Well, it seems to me your problem is a lot like the problem I had twice.

OBAMA: Which was?

BARTLET: A huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.

OBAMA: And?

BARTLET: I was.

OBAMA: I mean, how did you overcome that?

BARTLET: I won't lie to you, being fictional was a big advantage.

OBAMA: What do you mean?

BARTLET: I'm a fictional president. You're dreaming right now, Senator.

OBAMA: I'm asleep?

BARTLET: Yes, and you're losing a ton of white women.

OBAMA: Yes, sir.

BARTLET: I mean tons.

OBAMA: I understand.

BARTLET: I didn't even think there were that many white women.

OBAMA: I see the numbers, sir. What do they want from me?

BARTLET: I've been married to a white woman for 40 years, and I still don't know what she wants from me.

OBAMA: How did you do it?

BARTLET: Well, I say I'm sorry a lot.

OBAMA: I don't mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get America on your side?BARTLET: There again, I didn't have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched "The West Wing."

OBAMA: That would make it easier.

BARTLET: You'd do very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old "ER" time slot with "30 Rock" as your lead-in, you'd get seven, seven-five in the demo with a 20, 22 share — you'd be selling $450,000 minutes.OBAMA: What the hell does that mean?

BARTLET: TV talk. I thought you'd be interested.

OBAMA: I'm not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced to the criticism that I'm — wait for it — the Messiah, who, by the way, was a community organizer. When I speak I try to lead with inspiration and aptitude. How is that a liability?

BARTLET: Because the idea of American exceptionalism doesn't extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words, then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

OBAMA: You're saying race doesn't have anything to do with it?

BARTLET: I wouldn't go that far. Brains made me look arrogant, but they make you look uppity. Plus, if you had a black daughter —

OBAMA: I have two.

BARTLET: — who was 17 and pregnant and unmarried and the father was a teenager hoping to launch a rap career with "Thug Life" inked across his chest, you'd come in fifth behind Bob Barr, Ralph Nader and a ficus.

OBAMA: You're not cheering me up.

BARTLET: Is that what you came here for?

OBAMA: No, but it wouldn't kill you.

BARTLET: Have you tried doing a two-hour special or a really good Christmas show?

OBAMA: Sir —

BARTLET: Hang on. Home run. Right here. Is there any chance you could get Michelle pregnant before the fall sweeps?

OBAMA: The problem is we can't appear angry. Bush called us the angry left. Did you see anyone in Denver who was angry?

BARTLET: Well ... let me think ... We went to war against the wrong country, Osama bin Laden just celebrated his seventh anniversary of not being caught either dead or alive, my family's less safe than it was eight years ago, we've lost trillions of dollars, millions of jobs, thousands of lives and we lost an entire city due to bad weather. So, you know ... I'm a little angry.

OBAMA: What would you do?

BARTLET: GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that's what they are. Sarah Palin didn't say "thanks but no thanks" to the "Bridge to Nowhere." She just said "Thanks." You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist?And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I'd ask them what their problem is with excellence.While you're at it, I want the word "patriot" back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn't know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can't do both at the same time and call it patriotic.They have to lie — the truth isn't their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they've earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It's not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense, too? It's not bad enough she's forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction, too? It's not enough that a woman shouldn't have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist's baby, too? I don't know whether or not Gov. Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she's got the qualifications of one. And you're worried about seeming angry?You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

OBAMA: Good to get that off your chest?

BARTLET: Am I keeping you from something?

OBAMA: Well, it's not as if I didn't know all of that, and it took you, like, 20 minutes to say.

BARTLET: I know, I have a problem, but admitting it is the first step.

OBAMA: What's the second step?

BARTLET: I don't care.

OBAMA: So what about hope? Chuck it for outrage and put-downs?

BARTLET: No. You're elite, you can do both. Four weeks ago, you had the best week of your campaign, followed — granted, inexplicably — by the worst week of your campaign. And you're still in a statistical dead heat. You're a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding name who went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel pins aren't the same thing and you're in a statistical tie with a war hero and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that's what progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my house and go back to work.

OBAMA: Wait, what is it you always used to say? When you hit a bump on the show and your people were down and frustrated? You'd give them a pep talk and then you'd always end it with something. What was it?

BARTLET: "Break's over."

Since I Still Don't Have Enough Blogs

2008-09-22T03:54:00.003-06:00

I started a new one called Padded Folding Chair.

Being here in Alaska, 280 miles from the nearest Mormon congregation, has given me some new reflections on what it is exactly about this odd religion of mine that keeps me coming back. And with Sam Mcgee is Dead nearing its retirement, there will soon be a void that Padded Folding Chair will need to fill. I hope you enjoy it.

Are You a Bad Person?

2008-09-18T00:04:00.003-06:00

For those of you who have heard that "the verdict is still out on science", get with the times! Science can do it all! All that we've figured out, at least.

You might be suspicious ever since you took that online IQ test and it told you that you're not a super genius after all. Or maybe that made you a believer. Either way, those 90 lb. weaklings in lab coats with their clipboards and computers and big words have devised yet another way to reduce you to a number, category, color, or some other thing besides a human with um, lots of potential.

Sorry, can I start over? I actually think this test is really nifty, and it has at least taught me that maybe I don't know myself as well as I think.

This was all about three years ago, of course, when I used it for a senior project and here I am finally blogging about it.

This is amazing! I have made managed to write four paragraphs without really explaining anything. That's good though; the less you know about this thing, the better it works (I'm serious). Just please make sure you read the disclaimer first.

And yes, for you skeptics out there, this was developed at Harvard (yes, THE Harvard) which automatically makes it credible. Er, that's right, isn't it? (Just don't ever let them do a hernia repair on you though. Yeesh.)

Click on the thingy and you're ready to roll...

When I Think of Love as Something New

2008-09-10T02:00:00.003-06:00

Hey, remember the good old days when we jumped in the water? Summers were warmer then and there were no bugs. We didn't ever feel tired or if we did then it was the good kind of tired that went with sunsets and campfires. When nighttime came, it didn't even get cold.

Why can't we live in the moment anymore? Well, don't worry. It turns out we never could.

"Experiencing" is something that happens just after our brains process the event we experience, almost like we are recalling from our memory before we've even "seen" it before.

And the only difference between a true memory and a false memory is that one actually happened and the other never did, at least not how we remember it. (Guess which one is which.)

And if that wasn't enough, every time you recall an event it changes it a little. The things that you haven't thought about once are in pristine condition but the things that you have replayed over and over have either gotten better or worse every time (but you can bet they don't stay the same).

So just remember that photos don't really capture anything. They're just a tool to help you make your memories happier and happier as the years pass by at dizzying speeds.

Don't mourn those experiences either; F. Scott Fitzgerald says they're even better after you lose them.

The Ganzfeld Procedure

2008-09-08T12:40:00.002-06:00

What a weird thing this is.

I am so glad that this is not just in the movies, that this is being done periodically in different places across the country and around the modern world.

It's an ILLLLLLUUUUUSSSSSIIIIIOOOOONNNNNN!

2008-08-27T02:01:00.002-06:00

I think we've probably all seen that illusion with the lines that are supposed to look like different lenghths, and the one with he horseshoe with three pegs, and the necker cube, and M.C. Escher's drawings. Well it turns out there are musical illusions too. Check it out:

http://deutsch.ucsd.edu/

Idea #3 (for real this time.)

2008-08-17T10:37:00.002-06:00

So what we need to do is get rid of maps. Not all maps, I guess. Maps of interstates and urban areas I guess could be kept on file somewhere, in one of those giant library books that you can't take home. But let's destroy all the rest. and for some areas that are still wild, like the Brooks Range, lets get rid of maps entirely. Then everyone can be Bob Marshall, and not just people who were fortunate enough to be born in a time when there were still parts of the world that we had no idea existed.

Idea #3

2008-08-14T01:33:00.004-06:00

They're just coming to me now! All of these ideas! Thank goodness I have the blog as an outlet or else I might end up murdering someone or composing a symphony or something.

Anyway, I got this one when I was reading about Bob Marshall, who was a forester from New York. He once looked at a map of the Brooks Range of Alaska and noticed that most of it wasn't mapped. He decided to go there for that reason.

His own account of the experience talks about how appealing uncharted territories are, and how much he loved treading over unmapped territory. And so what did he do?

That jerk mapped every single place he went in the Brooks Range! Agh! I mean, Come on, Bob. Did you even read your own words? What a hypocrite. I'm too angry to talk about Idea #3 now. I'll talk about it some other time.

Idea #2

2008-08-06T17:23:00.004-06:00

Well I am very pleased with Idea #1 and thought it was time for another Idea.

So this one is a bit more abstract. I had a professor who I have talked quite a bit about on this blog. He has been very influential in how I view the world and relate to people. (You can thank him for my post about dreams a couple of months ago.) Anyway he once pointed out that your two eyes each send slightly different images to your brain. In other words, they disagree, and it is through the disagreement that you get a more accurate picture of the world. He likened that to scientific theories, which become stronger the more they are synthesized together with conflicting theories, and hinted that something similar takes place in other fields of knowledge and epistemology.

Wait! Stay with me here! Here's a picture:

Anyway, if having a couple of eyes spaced by three inches improves our mental representation of the world so much, imagine if they were spaced by three feet. Or three miles. Or 3,000 miles. We could have eyes all over the world, all feeding directly into our brains. Ears too! And maybe even a finger or a taste bud here or there. Imagine it! History would not be written just by the victors. The president couldn't lie nearly as easily. Someone would say "remember when..." and then some part of us would probably have been there to experience that event.

Stop. Wait. Idea #2 is getting cancerous due to premature application to too many phases of life, and we all know what happens when we do that. We get CFCs or worse: T-rexes tearing through our beautiful Jurassic Park.

So here is the new, refined Idea #2 (or what we'll start with, anyway): You each get one extra eye. You can place it anywhere in the world and, for simplicity's sake, assume that it is about as durable as a nalgene bottle. I mean, you can drop it and stuff, but don't back your car over it. The eyeball CANNOT locomote; it just stares, and gives you wireless information directly into your lateral geniculate nucleus (the thingy that interprets visual information) without having to watch it like a surveilance camera.

Because there you are at boarding school, learning all of this stuff that makes sense in boarding school, and then you go home and it all goes out the window. If you learned it while part of you was still at home, it would slip into your life seamlessly while you dust off Mr. Bear and call all of your old friends.

But maybe if you leave part of yourself at home, you would have never really learned that thing in boarding school after all. We'll have to do some pilot testing. Any volunteers?

Idea #1

2008-07-20T19:17:00.004-06:00

They should invent this thing that is like a virtual world, where it models, like, everything. Then you can run a simulation with just one person or a group of people to see what would have happened if you had done such and such different. You could do everything from "well what if I had tried to kiss her after all" to "what if we had just let Al Gore be president instead".

Actually, now that I think about it, that would just lead to more frustration and slapping of foreheads. We would live in regret constantly, and probably just end up ruining the rest of our lives.

Ok, so new rule: You can only use it before you make a decision, not after. It's almost like a magic 8 ball, except it really works. And it doesn't just tell you what to do; it shows the outcome of different decisions and then lets you decide. "Hey new invention thingy: what happens if I vote for boring Al Gore over crazy George W. Bush?" And who knows, maybe we would learn that Al Gore would have started two really pointless wars that resulted in thousands of deaths.

That would probably make life really boring, eh? Or maybe it would make life perfect. If only I could ask the new invention thingy what life would be like if I had it.

Hey there.

2008-06-28T02:14:00.002-06:00

Remember Storisbord? I haven't forgotten about it. In fact, there's a new story up now! Read it!

26

2008-06-17T16:42:00.004-06:00

Wow, there are so many thoughts one has when turning 26. I don't know how to express them all. Thank goodness you understand, Garfield Randomizer.

Vernal

2008-05-31T22:01:00.005-06:00

Last December I sat in a white van as the sun set early over Vernal, Utah. Behind me slept about ten adolescent males, peaceful and harmless. I thought about the day ending so early, and it becoming too cold and dark for anyone in Vernal to want to leave their houses, and how many people were eating their dinner, many of them alone, realizing they had accomplished so little in such a short day. We drove past the dinosaur wearing a Santa hat next to the town's giant Christmas tree and passed on through the town. It was already cold out but would get much colder, trapping people in their homes, not because it would be impossible to leave, but because it would be so unpleasant.

The lucky ones would be eating with their families that they loved and loved them, or with their friends or new lovers. The unlucky ones would be eating alone and watching television, or just eating alone, or eating with friends they didn't like or a family that didn't ever like talking to each other.

That night I would be hurriedly eating some instant noodles and then sleeping outside with these boys, too cold to worry about feeling loved or lonely. I was not a part of the world then, but seeing it from the outside made it even more interesting and more depressing.

I thought about how hard life is, especially in the winter, and especially if you live in someplace like Vernal and are by yourself. I thought about how it sometimes helps to distract yourself with things like hobbies or movies or books or blogs. I decided that at this time of year, just to survive is success and that staying inside all day long is okay, and that that is what animals do anyway, and that it's okay to stave off tears of aloneness with a badly made movie from Blockbuster. Microwave dinners are okay too, and so is putting on music and the TV at the same time as reading a book just to distract from the repressive silence and fruitless drudgery of introspection.

That's not enough though. There is also the hope of summer. It will get warmer, you know that. And if you're lucky, you might even die in a warm place with the sun shining, but not in your eyes, and be surrounded by people you love.

No One Cares What I Had for Lunch

2008-05-27T20:46:00.011-06:00

Ok, I know that with the publishing of this entry I join the throngs of mundane internet blogs that complain about their iPods. But I am going somewhere with this, so stay with me. This is important stuff.

My relationship with this trendy device has been rocky after what I thought was a great start (I bought mine, one of the new shuffles, for like $20 from a friend who was moving and trying to reduce clutter. The thing is the size of a book of matches.) First it had her music on it, which was fun for a little while (like an hour). But then it wouldn't take my music. Then when it did, it wouldn't play. Then after getting it fixed it I forgot to bring the adapter with me to Alaska.

I got an adapter today. Then I couldn't find the iPod for a while. Now that I've found it, it won't take my music again.

Pause.

The Senoi People of Malaysia are reported by some researchers to advocate lucid dreaming. But more specifically, they say you should do certain things in certain situations. For example, if you are being chased by a monster, you should confront the monster and either kill the thing, make friends with it, or ask it for a gift (any of these are equally acceptable).

Likewise, if there is something in a dream that you want to do, you should make sure that it happens rather than letting yourself wake up before you get to.

If you find some treasure in the dream, you are supposed to hold onto it until the end and, according to one practitioner of dreamwork research, you should bribe the gatekeeper that guards the barrier between the sleeping world and waking world so that he will let you bring the treasure across that threshold into your everyday life.

And if your dream has a sexual theme, well, you are supposed to see that through too.

Some of my attempts at lucid dreaming have resulted in terrifying hallucinations, as a side note.

So back to the iPod. The whole iPod experience, to me, feels like having treasure in a dream snatched away from me over and over. Very frustrating. For this reason, I think that it is vastly important to my future and mental health that I find the iPod and integrate it into my life in a satisfying, dependable way.

See?

Cuddling

2008-05-15T14:51:00.000-06:00

“Come into my arms,” She added in a rush of tenderness. “I can sleep so, so well with you in my arms.”

Coming into Gloria's arms had quite a definite meaning. It required that he should slide one arm under her shoulder, lock both arms around her, and arrange as nearly as possible as a sort of three-sided crib for her luxurious ease. Anthony, who tossed, whose arms went tinglingly to sleep after half an hour of that position, would wait until she was asleep and roll her gently over to her side of the bed – then, left to his own devices, he would curl himself into his usual knots.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

On Superiority to the Middle Class

2008-05-12T23:15:00.000-06:00

“I belong here.” She murmured. “I'm like these people . . .

“. . . I'm like they are – like Japanese laterns and crepe paper, and the music from that orchestra.”

For a moment this seemed like a sardonic and unneccessary paradox hurled at him across the table.

“You're a young idiot!” He insisted wildly.

She shook her blond head.

“No, I'm not. I am like them...You ought to see...You don't know me.” She hesitated and her eyes came back to him, rested abruptly on his, as though surprised at the last to see him there. “I've got a streak of what you'd call cheapness. I don't know where I get it but it's – oh, things like this and bright colors and vulgarity. I seem to belong here. These people could appreciate me and take me for granted, and these men would fall in love with me and admire me, whereas the clever men I meet would just analyze me and tell me I'm this because of this or that because of that.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned